I am attempting to consolidate multiple writing tasks into one so that I stand some slim hope of catching up with my Blogging 101 to-do list. They ask me to write in a different format. The Weekly Writing Challenge would like me to interview someone. Thus, this two for one.
Hello there, and welcome to this installment of Curmudgeon’s Corner. Today, we are pleased to have a guest to chat with today.
It would be nice.
…and? When has that ever been a factor?
Okaaay, well then would you state your full name for the folks at home?
Charles Hamford Reginald Attronie Finkerstein Worthershire Smits the Fourth, Archduke of The Most Royal Dominion.
More commonly known as?
Mylar? Where did you ever get a name like that?
You would know better than anyone. ‘twas you that shackled me with a name that would forever call to mind the plastic that one keeps comics in. It is almost as lacking in esteem as “Kinky-Winky”.
Oh c’mon. “Mylar”. It almost sounds like Milo, but not.
Yes, it is almost clever. Except not.
How many of your friends have a unique name like Mylar?
I am of the opinion that my lack of friends has much to do with having an owner who calls me things like Mylar.
Moving right along, what brings you here today?
The promise of a bowl filled with residual Cinnamon Toast Crunch milk. Delicious. Also, cat food. Mounds of cat food. I think there should also be some catnip involved.
Uh, we said nothing of catnip before.
You have time to write all this down but you do not have time to go out and fetch me what I need? You have keys and a car, do you not? You have cash? I see no problem.
Yes, well. What is it about your job that you like the most?
Would you care to share any tips or some favorite napping moments?
Why do you people always have to complicate things? Find some carpet, ideally in the sun. Go horizontal. The end.
Any favorite hobbies?
Watching TV as I keep your jeans warm for you.
Yes, about that. Why do you protest so when I put you on my lap, but after two minutes of circling around the couch you leap up and sit on the same spot in my lap?
I decide things for myself.
Wouldn’t it be easier if you just got comfy the first time?
You do not do it right. I have standards. You should know this.
Speaking of, what is it that you feel your style brings to relationships?
I keep it real. The buck stops here. I keep the trains running on time.
You do not think that you can be a bit over-bearing? There are those that find your gifts of feces on the bathroom floor to be soul-crushing.
I deal out the punishments as the situation merits.
But is it not correct to state that there is still ample of room in the litter box? That your methods might be seen as extreme? Many might even construe them as borderline psychotic?
First off, what is “ample room” for one’s needs may not be sufficient for another’s. As to my methods, I maintain that the punishments shall cease when my terms have been unconditionally met.
I see. A topic for some other time, perhaps.
Are you still talking? I have things to do, you know.
Really? What is on your docket today?
Well, that spot just between my belly and right leg has not been licked clean in at least two hours. Unacceptable. Especially if I am to meet my hairball quota for the week.
You really set a quota? That is simultaneously disturbing, disgusting, and worrisome.
I like to think I have honed my craft above that of a meager amateur. Fifteen years into this, I have to keep up my A-game.
Let’s try a little word association, shall we? Birds?
Cold and wet.
Bed. Scratching post. No, bed. Oh who cares; both.
See previous answer.
See previously previous answer.
Any parting words you would leave us with?
Hey, I do not have to go grocery shopping. I can hold out.
Fine, miscreant. My advice is, Carpe Micem. You want something, embrace the instant gratification. If a motorcycle drives by, you should run across the room excitedly. If someone comes to the door, run to it in a beeline. If a piece of food looks like you can acquire it without all that “asking nicely”, swipe your paw across the plate and grab it. The world is yours for the taking and you should take it quickly before you got undeservedly locked in the bathroom.
The bathroom is never locked. All you have to do is turn the doorknob.
Must you mock my physical limitations in front of others? Your self-imposed role as jailer has made you cruel.
Also, you have never even seen a mouse, let alone “carpe-d” one. “Seize the mouse”. Really?
You want witticisms; we can trade places next time.
Yeah, that is what I thought.
I am trying to think of the questions that you would ask and it seems rather terrifying.
It would be a humbling experience, I assure you.
On that note, and since your eyes are turning into ever-narrower slits, I would like to thank you for talking with us today.