A Helpful Guide to Married Life with Disney Princesses

Almost three years ago, Thought Catalog was kind enough to offer, 10 Disney Princes and Whether or Not You Should Marry Them. It seems to be all about the princesses; that we should be on their side. I get it, let the females have the spotlight and take their point of view as the narrative. Sure, why not? However, I have yet to see a proper rebuttal to this article.   I think a remedy is long overdue.

10 (or so) Disney Princesses and Whether or Not You Should Marry Them

(First off, let us inject the twenty-year rule. We shall assume that all these gals are twenty. Why? Because real life Pocahontas was scary-young. I do not know what age range the creators were going for when they crafted the stories, but twenty is less icky.)

Cinderella Right off the bat, you know that this lady is understanding. I mean, my older siblings have their moments, but not ugly stepsister level. She may be a little tired of cleaning up after everyone so you better make sure that she is doing all the household chores because she wants to, not out of some obligation she might feel. If she cooks, you better do dishes, and vice versa. Maybe she never wants to see another broom as long as she lives. Be assured that she wants a night on the town every now and then. She wants the fancy ride, the dancing, and probably a ritzy restaurant as well. You botch the anniversary dinner and you will probably regret it. The better dancer you are, the happier you two will be. And her godmother makes up for the rest of the family, seek out that kind old lady at family reunions and avoid the rest as much as possible. (Warning: the stepsisters and stepmother will expect to be a part of the wedding. A big part.)

Belle The bumper stickers are correct, reading is sexy. The woman can navigate a crowd while her nose is in a book. That is impressive. She will always want new experiences, not just new books. How much of a “provincial life” do you want to have and how much of your life will be spent traveling? One gets the impression that Belle yearns to see all the sights. If your idea of a wild weekend is watching the big game and firing up the barbeque, perhaps you should reconsider. Be honest now, can you keep up? This woman is so great, plates and tea kettles go out of their way to make her feel better. Inanimate objects will question the authority of their beast-like master if it will cheer her up. Everybody that does not think she is a snob loves her, not just you. If you are not a reader or someone who can share this gal with the numerous clubs and book groups she’s bound to belong to, set your goals on other women. (Warning: the Exes. I mean, yikes. First off there’s the hulking fop who thinks he is the town’s gift to women, and then there is the hulking beast who has really sharp claws, a prison, enchanted objects, and really really cares about this gal. Proceed with extreme caution.)

Merida No. She poisoned her mom when she did not get her way. NO. Yeah, yeah, I hear what you are saying. She learned from her mistake, she became a better person, and she tried to fix her error after it all went wrong. That is not impressive, nor is it an attribute. That is a crazy person facing the responsibilities of her craziness. Countless episodes of Castle, Law & Order, and CSI (all versions) have taught us that you should not be around people that inflict poison on you when they do not get their way. You can admire the devotion to family, the cute siblings, the free spirit, and the impressive archery skills. You still wind up with a poisoner who has expertise in firing arrows at small targets. Such as your vital organs. (Warning: Um… poison. Death. Just do not. Uh uh.)

Pocahontas Ahh, the outdoorsy type. The one who was wearing fleece before they were at REI. She is friendly and accommodating to strangers. She is slow to anger, unless really pushed. She likes swimming, hiking, and running. (Previously with her woodland creatures.  But if you do not mind the fact that she could whoop you at any marathon, especially cross-country, she would be fun to jog with.) Also, when it comes to the great outdoors, she knows more than you do. By a lot. Who does not want to be with someone with that kind of reverence for past generations and wisdom handed down from parent to child? Come on, that is all kinds of cool. Maybe she is too trusting, and she certainly is not going to be hip to the latest trends. But for a salt of the earth woman, you could not ask for more. (Warning: Creepy older guys hang around, trying to take advantage of her kind nature.)

JasmineThis one… I dunno. She seems like she is prone to flights of fancy. She clearly is not content with the royal life. But she goes running home to solve all her problems. She might be too much of a daddy’s girl for you. Think about it. If you marry this girl, you will be a part of the family business. It has been decided, the dad’s job is yours one day. If you really want to be the leader and you had no career ambitions of your own, then great. If you like to blaze your own trail, that will certainly cause some familial strife. She likes to help poor people, which is admirable. But she is not caught up on economic matters in her own kingdom. Apples cost money. A princess should know that. (Warning: Her pet tiger has a history of trying to eat men. All of them.)

ArielAmazing singer. You know those stage crushes that you get when you see someone perform? Like that, but every day. She is the personification of bubbly. She trusts strangers, she makes quick decisions; I think we can agree she acts without fully thinking things through. Yes, she does look good in a swimsuit. However you will never have dry carpet again. There is the big shaggy dog, the fish, the crabs; you are going to have visitors and they are going to be wet. There will probably be seaweed everywhere. That, however, is not your biggest domestic concern. The woman is a packrat like no other. She is obsessed with “stuff” and would inevitably be caught up in the latest trends. Would she love you and hug you all night long? Sure, but she would also want every new version of iPhone and fill your den with boxes upon boxes and crates of things that she does not need, let alone know what they do. (Warning: For one, your storage facility bill would make it hard to keep your head above water. Also, her dad likes to walk around, with no shirt on, carrying a weapon. Win him over quickly.)

Snow WhiteI like Snow White, I do. She seems to be the mold that all others stem from. She has a very small, but very loyal circle of friends. They would do just about anything for her. That sort of earned loyalty says a lot about her. Also, she is supposedly fairest in all the land. It even seems to be a natural beauty. Spending all your day in front of mirrors is best left to other women, not her. She learned that lesson the hard way. She is guaranteed to wash all her food thoroughly, specifically fresh fruits. One chemically-modified apple later and this woman’s diet is all organic, I guarantee it. Make sure pieces of meal do not get lodged in her throat. (Warning: Stepmom likes to eat lungs and hearts and whatever pieces of her stepdaughter her servant claims she is eating. The original Hannibal Lecter, that one.)

Aurora Because we all like to sleep in from time to time. Some take it a tad too far. Now, on the plus side you have three older women who have doted on her and quietly made her life quite pleasant. They could have blinged her out, dressed her up, and made everything all fancy. Yet common sense prevailed and they brought her up to be kind, industrious, and helpful. Even so, she likes her fantasies. She also likes to dance, but might not always listen to sound advice. Those in greater know tell her to do one thing; she rebels. To her detriment and the nation’s as well. You should accept the fact that you will never look at gardening the same way. Hopefully she would be okay taking all the clothes to a tailor, just in case. One little “Oh, I can fix it myself” and you will be locked, barbed, and tree-branched out of your home. If you leave your pets locked in there for a hundred years, they are gonna be ticked. (Warning: Government records are going to be a hassle. That whole “frozen kingdom”, “long sleep” thing really threw off her date of birth/ proper age section. Expect some red tape with every form.)

RapunzelOkay, if we are dealing with Disney cartoon version, you have to marry this woman knowing that she may very well have some mental problems. We all have our issues, but this Rapunzel is probably a little unstable. You can handle it, there is therapy and medicine for this sort of thing. However you should know that within seconds she can go from ecstatic to remorseful to laughing to depressed to wanting to grab you by the hand and leap off of a cliff. Darn it though, the gal has spunk. She stares down crowds of men with no formal training and a frying pan. That is pretty great. (Warning: Accept the fact that you will run out of shampoo and that the drain needs to be cleared every time. It is not that big a concern, you wimp. Hair clumps are slimy, we know. Deal with it.)

Anna/ ElsaWhy group the gals together? Well, they have the shared history. They have become rather close without their parents, so you might as well get used to having the other around, whoever you pick. Start with Anna. She might just be the most adorable on this list. She certainly does not harbor any concerns about propriety. She will joke about talking to the walls, she will play in the snow with you, and she can get along with just about anybody. On the other side? She might just be one of the most naïve women you will ever meet. Perhaps her first true-love has scared her straight and now she will be more wary of suitors. However, history dictates that she can fall head over heels for a fella without knowing too much about him. (Warning: May harbor issues of abandonment or be extra clingy. If you wanna go outside, she wants to come too.)

Elsa is the other swing of the pendulum. You have to get through the defenses that she has built around herself. In order to keep from being labeled as a freak, she makes everyone go through the hoops. Once she decides that she can trust you then you are in. However, it takes a bit of time to thaw out her icy disposition. Yet, she obviously cares for her people, the safety of others, and clearly her sister. She just gets scared and overwhelmed. She is entirely capable and has a great power set at her disposal (free air conditioning and snow-cones for life). (Warning: Should you two have kids, there is a distinct possibility that they will have super powers. While it could be cool watching children with powers, you have no gifts of your own to defend yourself. If they accidentally turn you into a block of ice, you just might expire sooner than you thought. Genetic quirks are all well and fun, so long as your wife is there to fix the little hiccups that might occur.)

Bonus!

Princess LeiaYeah, Disney claims she will not be counted as a Disney Princess. Harumph to that, I say. She can handle herself in a fight. She takes charge and bosses around hundreds of ships and thousands upon thousands of loyal soldiers. Leia is confident, does not back down when the going gets tough, and basically defines “scrappy” for most of us. You may be ignored a bit when the Empire is approaching, but when she is one on one with a guy, she is all smiles and teases. (Warning: Has family issues that cannot be fixed anytime soon. Brother? Eew. Mother? She misses her. Father? As her brother would say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” [But admittedly, her brother is a big cry baby].)

Uber-Bonus!

Thor No, really! Thor’s dad is King Odin. Odin and Thor were created by Marvel Comics.   Marvel is owned by Disney. Boo yah! As of this writing, Thor’s female identity had not yet been revealed. I have a strong opinion that it is Thor’s Mom, but they have yet to unmask her. Whoever she is, you can bet that she is tough. Plus, Norse gods are well-known for wanting to help humans, not hurt them. (Take that, Zeus! Jerk.) She cares for mankind, her fellow gods, and does whatever it takes to protect them. Clearly, a heroic and strong individual. (Warning: Keep her away from Mjolnir. If she gets ahold of that hammer, she is going to go on and on about whether “Thou Art Worthy.” Who can live up to god-level standards? So unfair.)

There you go. Make the informed choice. Do you want the bookworm? Have you always wanted your father-in-law to hand you the throne? Maybe you do not mind your lips getting a little cold when you kiss the missus. The choice is yours (and hers!). Hopefully you feel more prepared for the consequences and joys of marrying a Disney Princess.

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About anecdotaltales

He's a simple enough fellow. He likes movies, comics, radio shows from the 40's, and books. He likes to write and wishes his cat wouldn't shed on his laptop.
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